For the last few months, my head has not been in a good place.   I’ve turned into a bit of a recluse.  And not for the first time.  I use the time to retreat, to recharge, regroup, regather my thoughts and process them and rethink everything over and over.  I do this normally anyways, but this time it felt different.

I’ve had this bee in my bonnet in mind about singleness, being single, being lonely and being independent. Looking at my birthchart as I have done in the past, I can see a lot of planets that have given to my spiritual makeup that I am aloof, a loner, a leader of his own life and a man who needs no-one to survive.
But as my last post mentioned, I have spent most of my life single.  Infact, all except 2 years of my life, I have been on my own.  I literally feel like I have been on my own my whole life.  I am talking about feeling alone in terms of intimate love.  Having that special someone.
My aries moon gives so much to me putting my emotions first, despite wanting to be spontaneous and immediate.   My venus in Gemini gives to the illusion I am a flirt, but loves to chat and learn.  My rising sign in Virgo has such high standards that it will cut off the nose despite the face.  But recently I am looking at my south node, which is also in Aries and in my 8th house.

South Node in Aries (8th House)

The south nodes indicates lessons/skills/a karmic past that your soul has already acquired.  Its a badge you already wear, a lesson you have already learned and a mountain you have already conquered.  And as your soul and spiritual self grows, experiences and learns everything in life, it looks towards the north node for the next part of its evolution.  The next lesson to undertake, the next battle to win, the next door to open. I do not see this the same as spiritual beliefs, like religion, but as……what do I need to do presently in this life time to give me more joy.  Real joy and real soul purpose.
My south node in aries has protected me my whole life.  Taught me to survive on my own, to act on my own decisions, to be indepentent in my actions, to put myself first and thus be selfish or at least make sure my needs were being met as well as others. Infact it didnt help me learn these skills.  It was just ‘there’.  I had these skills in me from the dot.  From the get go.  I just knew that I was going to be okay and that I knew how to survive.  And I have my whole life, I have survived and looked out for myself.  Perhaps me relying on myself so much as to alienate important people in my life.  I am excessively competitive to the point of a me-first attitude, to take things personally, and to be impatient, rash, and impulsive at the expense of personal happiness.
I found this on the Cafe Astrology website which summed it up properly.  All my analysis above is just me 2nd guessing myself.

A tendency to rely on the self so much as to alienate important others in our lives, to be excessively competitive to the point of a me-first attitude, to take things personally, and to be impatient, rash, and impulsive at the expense of personal happiness are some of the issues this position suggests. With this position, we need to work on sensitising ourselves to the needs of others, to learn tact and cooperation, to put ourselves in another’s shoes, and to let go of an overwhelming self-consciousness that is blocking our desire to win. We are often afraid of the demands that a partner might put on us, and we don’t naturally look for feedback, preferring to act on the moment—on our own hunches and impulses. But for however hard we push ourselves, our plans will be blocked until we stop to consider the other side. We tend to go it alone, often passing up opportunities for growth because we are too focused on our own personal survival. Our impulses and instincts are overloaded, lacking in perspective, and acting upon them will often bring us strife—that is, until we learn to look at the other side, perhaps through the eyes of another. Through partnership, and through cooperation with others, we will attain the inner balance necessary for us to achieve our goals.

North node in Libra (2nd House)

At 36 yrs of age, literally my soul is screaming out to me…..

“Yeah, Terry, we already got this.  And you’re still getting your knickers in a twist about things.  Don’t you want to do something else.”

And I do.  As I plough through life, I want nothing more to be in relationships, both intimate and platonic.  I want to help other and to grow and help others grow.  To give freely and not expect anything back.
I have taken note of being there for other people for a lot of my life. Always going to see friends, always being an ear to listen to, going along with other peoples plans, sometimes even letting other people guilt trip me into putting them first.  It was a repeating pattern.   And for the most part I would be happy with that because it gave me so much joy generally.  I’m now 36 at the time of writing this and I would really like to start putting some of my needs first.
if anyone reading this can make sense of it, I am happy to hear your feedback, but it seems weird.

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